We had sex a couple of times. They won't resent you for making their mum sad. Is the act ever justifiable? For more coverage of women and gender issues, subscribe to Gender Letter , a new newsletter, or follow nytgender on Instagram. I could have said no, but I was in the pits of my own life, so to have some guy falling over me who my high school friends and I once fantasized over was like being on top of the crowd. After our second night together, though, I could tell this was about more than sex for him; he was desperate for affection. This time, it's true love. Affairs can be bad news. All I could think of in response to his confusing advance was to reiterate my offer of a glass of wine. But you'd love him for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, so that doesn't really matter to you at all. He drank entirely too much and when that happened, all he did was pick a fight. Before I met each man I would ask: He'd talk to me about wanting to see me out in a restaurant when he was with his wife, and meet me in the bathroom. Why break up the family if we could just accept the occasional affair? But he won't, of course, because this time, it's different. I mean, sure, she'll be in your life forever, because she's the mother of your partner's kids, but it won't affect you much. Married sex, for them, often feels obligatory.